What are some funny stories of people calling 911 for non-emergencies?

Me- “How far have you walked today?”

12 years in EMS, I could probably inspire a TV show with the 911 calls I’ve been on. & If I’m being totally honest, there’s probably more bullshit than the really high dramatic calls like you see on TV.

Martha- “Yeah, do you want to see my vagina?”

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But what really kills motivation in EMS are “frequent fliers.” I’ve been a patient in an ambulance twice in my life. Frequent fliers are people who will ride in your ambulance an average of 2–5 times per month. And it’s always bullshit! You have to treat it like it’s serious. Because the one day you don’t, it’s going to be serious. But it’s always bullshit.

Me- “That’s a lot of walking, especially with a cane. Could that be why your leg hurts?”

Me- “Did you trip & fall? Or did you get dizzy and fall?”

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Me- “Are you hurt?”

Martha- “I don’t know! I fell!”

My record is 6 years. “How long have you been experiencing these symptoms?” “6 years” “& what do you think the hospital is going to do for you tonight?”

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Me- “No…. No I do not….. Do you feel comfortable walking down to the ambulance?”

Martha- “No….”

Martha- “Oh, to the pharmacy, and to the grocery store, and to the social services office, and to my doctor.”

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I’m already mad going to the call. Get there and she’s strumming her crotch like Eddie Van Halen on a guitar. “Let me summarize the events that led to us being here, as you described them to me, ma ‘am. You were diagnosed with a yeast infection. The doctor prescribed an ointment to use. Upon first application of said ointment, your symptoms were not immediately resolved. So you called your physician. The automated message when you called said that if you are having a medical emergency, hang up and dial 911, which you interpreted as advice specific to your situation. And now we’re here…”

Martha- “Then I don’t think I should go.”

Me- “Whether you walk down or we carry down, you’re going to be in front of people. Let’s go.” Which was my polite way of saying, “I ain’t carrying your fat ass and itchy vagina down to my ambulance.”

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Last story, because I know I type way too long. We get called to Martha, and sometimes you can just hear in the dispatcher’s voice, that they can’t believe the bullshit they’re saying. “Responding for the 60 year old female with an itchy vagina.”

Martha- “Oh, I don’t think I should refuse care. I’ll go.”

Well we had one woman, who redefined “frequent flier”. This woman would get in one of her moods, and she could call 911 up to three times in one day! The insurance company complained a lot, but legally (& this varies by state) we can’t tell her not to go. We’re going to call her Martha, because I can’t use her real name. The one day, we pick her up at a church for “leg pain”. Mind you, the woman walks with a cane. I confirm her address because I’m puzzled. I said, “You’re about 5 miles away from home. How did you get here?”

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Me- (Trying to contain my pure excitement) “That’s fine. Then we’re just going to have you sign a form that says we assessed you and you don’t want to go. Then we’ll be out of here.”

The question I always ask is, “& What prompted you to call 911 tonight?” which is in part, medically relevant. Did a new symptom start? Did the pain get worse tonight? But also satisfies my personal need to know, “Why the fuck did you call 911 for a problem you’ve had for 2 weeks?”

I think the dumbest reason was when somebody called 911 because “they were unable to fall asleep.” I told that story to a new Mom, and she suggested we should have just driven him around the block a couple of times and dropped him back on the bench. We get people call because they need their meds refilled. Homeless people call because it’s cold out and they want to spend the night in the hospital.

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A question we’re always supposed to ask is, “How long have you been experiencing these symptoms?”

She’s walking around her apartment, no problem. Fully dressed. I ask, “What happened today ma ‘am?”

Me- “I can’t tell you what the hospital is going to do. We don’t work for the hospital.”

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6 hours go by. We haven’t had another call since. Get dispatched back to her address. “Fell in the shower.” My buddy, who only worked a half shift that day, is laughing hysterically, because he knows how much I, in particular, hate her. Police Officer meets us at the entrance and gives a report. First question we ask her, “Is she wearing clothes?”

After a waste of time check for any visual injuries, “Do you want to go to the hospital?”

But the response I always get is the offended look like, “Well, it hurts! So I think I should get it checked out. Don’t you?”

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Martha- “I don’t know. I fell.”

……. I literally wanted to just start screaming at the top of my lungs!

Patient- “Oh, two weeks.”

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Goes on one of her 3x 911 calls in a day spree. First one was with the night shift. 2nd one, I’m on. It is for anxiety. Now, you can call 911 for anxiety. But, I expect you to be curled up into a ball screaming to warrant 911. She’s standing out front her apartment, calm as can be, like she’s hailing a cab with flashing lights. Says, “I have the fears…..” We’re at a point now, we can just call the hospital and say, “Coming in with Martha.” And they flip out like, “What is it now?” Only patient they’ll have us wheel to the waiting room. ER hates her more than we do. We only deal with her for the 10 minute transport.

Me- “Ma ‘am, what prompted you to call 911 now, at 3am in the morning, as opposed to anytime in the last 2 weeks….”

Martha- “I don’t know. If they take me to the hospital, are they going to do anything? Or just discharge me.”

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Officer- “Yes! Thank god!”

Me- “If I saw this woman naked, I’d be going to the hospital for anxiety.”

Me- “…… THEN WHY ARE WE HERE?!!!!”

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Martha- “I walked.”

Martha- “Well, I don’t know if I should, because this is embarrassing. People might see.”